Monday, October 12, 2009

Being A Hyphenated Mother

As anyone can tell from our last two posts my daughter and I are having very different reactions to our latest separation. The 30 days we had together made me feel even closer to her. I realized how very much I loved seeing her every day even if it was for just a short time after work on most days. I knew I enjoyed her company but I learned how much I enjoy being part of her daily life. I am holding the memories very close and they make me smile. She is creating distance to survive. I think I have learned another reunion lesson here. Being close to your mother does not heal adoption wounds. Probably nothing will. That is hard for me to accept but I can understand it. I trust her when she says she won't disappear. That is a huge comfort. Accepting that she needs to distance herself for now is not easy and I am trying very hard not to make her feel guilty by whinning about how this is the opposite of what I want. It is one of those things where we can't both have what we want and I really believe she deserves to have her needs respected. Its about time she gets a vote.

So, being a hyphenated mother (first/birth/whatever) does mean that you can't heal the pain of adoption. It also means that you get a chance to build a unique relationship with your daughter/son that can be very close and very meaningful. It is just hard sometimes to get there. Love is the easy part. Building trust is the hard part. Maybe the hard part will get easier with time.


Anonymous said...

Yeah the bit of pulling back does hurt and I so long to be sooo much closer to my daughter.
I know when I push she will pull back but I know in my heart that she does want us in her life.
As you said "Love is easy"

Anonymous said...

I think I have come to realize that when it is going well that is also upsetting for adoptees - the seeing of what might have been.

I am not sure they consciously recognize it as such.

Many people have been made to believe they were sooo much better off in their adoptive families I think it takes some time to recognize that adoption myth is not always true.

I am generalizing here all over the place but I do think when it goes well it is sometimes troubling.

オテモヤン said...


Von said...

Do hope so and you both seem to want to make it work.Did you all read Evelyn Burns Robinson's books on Reunion yet?

Maria Wren said...

Really agree, it's a hard relationship to build, but the love comes so easily. Just so hard to know what you've both missed.

Unsigned Masterpiece said...

I hope everything is OK with you two.

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