It has been a really rough month. I'm sure those of you who read this blog have figured out that my daughter and I have been going through some bad times. I haven't been near this or any other site. It was all too raw and I felt very hurt, angry, and alone. I couldn't write because writing would make it real and I couldn't read because I was afraid of what was written. I was being pushed away and felt total rejection. I couldn't ask why because I was afraid of the answer. I had tried my best and I had failed at what was the most important thing in the world to me. I know when my daughter reads this that she will think I am exagerating. Not true but I understand why she would have a hard time believing it. It is much better now. We are talking again and have perhaps slain another couple of monsters. We both doubt ourselves and each other. We both fear rejection. We react differently but the underlying reasons are the same. A lot has come out of this and we will probably always have some monsters. I wish I could slay all of them, mine and hers. Maybe we will eventually or maybe we are slaying more than we think because we just keep trying. Whatever the problems, having her in my life is worth it.
I decided to write today about one huge revelation I had when talking to her yesterday. As a general rule I avoid thinking about what the adoption did to me. It seems rather petty compared to what it did to her. It semms rather like telling someone going in for brain surgery how scary it was to have your tonsils out. I have finally figured out that isn't too smart because it does come off like it was no big deal and I got through it just fine. Unpleasant but no lingering after effects. We uncovered a big one yesterday that has had a very real and understandable impact on her. I had no idea what she was talking about when she said I kept my guard up and would pull away from her. Examples of this were how I would always pull away first if we hugged each other. Rather like I maxed out on hugs after a couple minutes. I would also always want to get to the airport early whether it was me leaving her or vice versa. I I thought she was just being over-sensitive. I always get to airports early and I don't come from a demonstrative family. Her problem, not mine. WRONG! Yesterday we had a long talk and I had a flashback/moment of clarity/something. I always remembered being in the hospital and holding her. I was so sure that I was doing the best thing for her by reliquishing but I wanted her to stay with me so badly (just hormones of course but they seem to have lasted 39 years). I remebered the last time I was holding her and everything I was feeling. I knew what time the nurse would come and get her. I kept staring at the clock wanting time to stand still. I wanted to hold her so tight they could never take her away. I wanted to scream. I knew if I held on to her I would hurt her. I was afraid that I would be stupid and make a scene and start screaming at people. I kept telling myself that I would get through it. It was horrible watching that damn clock and knowing this was the last time I would ever see her. So I excercised every bit of control I had and did what I believed I had to do. Now I know why I get stff after a few minutes. Now I know why I can't stand to to prolong the agony of leaving. I hope that knowing will keep me from doing this. Even writing about it brings on a panic attack. Its a lot better though knowing why.