Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Search Is Over

I've been looking for my natural father for 20 years. Tonight, a very nice man called me because he received my letter. He was the last one on the list. I've eliminated every single man with his name in the nation...except for him.

And it wasn't him.

We spent a good half hour on the phone. He relayed a wonderful story about how the letter wound up in the hands of his daughter and her husband, who live in he and his wife's old house. She saved the letter and gave it to him and his wife over dinner when they came down to visit. She said, "Dad, are you SURE it's not you?" She was so sad that it wasn't. She always wanted a sister. And he said they would have welcomed me into the family.

He even gave me history on his uncommon family name. Where the family came from, the rare papers he's acquired, stories from their family lineage. Because the last name is so uncommon, we probably ARE related somehow.

He COULD still be part of "my people"...distantly.

He wished me the best of luck. Said he was sorry.

It's over. My search is finally over.

And I'm a fucking wreck. I need a few bottles of wine to dull the pain.

But...oh yeah. I have a job interview in the morning. Time to suck it up and be a responsible adult.

But I miss my father. And I will never know him.


I've been quiet lately.

I think I've hit one of those moments in life again - one of those moments when the adoption bug has bit me big time.

It's that bug that causes me to resign, that lets me believe I have no purpose.

My people-pleasing mode is in full force. The problem is, I don't please anyone.

I'm aging. I found a bunch of gray hairs. My eyes are sunken and sallow. I lost 5 pounds this week. Food generally tastes like cardboard. I've stopped writing and playing music, because it just doesn't matter much when no one is listening, does it?

I did go out to lunch with my best friend today. She took one look at me and about started crying. I guess the grayness of my life is starting to show.

When You're Gone
Cheryl Wheeler

I read the paper turn on the news
And wear the floors out wonderin' what to do

The sun is bright but it doesn't shine
I try to fight it but it happens every time

When you're gone day is night
When you're gone it's an uphill fight
When you're gone baby nothin' nothin's right

I'm goin' crazy sinkin' like a stone
My friends are calling sayin don't sit home alone but
It's not the same with anybody else
It won't be long 'till I'm talkin' to myself

So I watch that clock on the wall not movin' at all
Just frozen in time
And I don't mind letting you know I'm ready to go
Right out of my mind

The morning after the night before
It's hard to tell the difference anymore
Instead of growing stronger I'm just getting weak
Instead of killin' time I think it's killin' me