Friday, April 18, 2008
How Do You Get Through It?
So another sleepless night. The evil gods of adoption have got to be laughing their asses off over this one. The Fuzzy Duck doesn't believe she is loved and I don't believe that I deserve to be loved. We are quite a pair. I agree that leaving after we have had time together is awful. Missing her every day we are apart is awful. Not seeing her is worse. No I do not walk back to my perfect life feeling happy and content that I have gotten everything I need or want. Time with her is not a heroin fix where you feel really great until you can get your next fix. Every time I leave it reminds me of what I lost. I am not sure if I can even write this. It seems like it is some kind of self-centerd 'I can hurt as badly as you' whine. I can't pretend that it wasn't my fault that all this pain is there. Maybe its pointless. Maybe there is no way I can ever really get my daughter to understand how much I love her and how very important she is. Right now I want to scream and cry and just grab on to her tight and never let her go. It doesn't matter, she won't believe me. I don't know how I will get through today but I will.
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1 comment:
I know what you mean about partings. I hate them. I said goodbye to my son at the airport knowing that I don't know how long it will be until I see him again. I curl up on the sofa with a FUZZY pillow and cry myself to sleep pretending that I am holding him. I don't know if he knows how much I love him. I don't know how to show him how much I love him without overwhelming him.
I think it is amazing that you can both post your comments in this one spot. I understand how debilitating the pain in reunion can be.I wish for both of you that you really do come to see and feel how much you love one another - it is obvious from here.
Carol
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