Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Grayness

I've been quiet lately.

I think I've hit one of those moments in life again - one of those moments when the adoption bug has bit me big time.

It's that bug that causes me to resign, that lets me believe I have no purpose.

My people-pleasing mode is in full force. The problem is, I don't please anyone.

I'm aging. I found a bunch of gray hairs. My eyes are sunken and sallow. I lost 5 pounds this week. Food generally tastes like cardboard. I've stopped writing and playing music, because it just doesn't matter much when no one is listening, does it?

I did go out to lunch with my best friend today. She took one look at me and about started crying. I guess the grayness of my life is starting to show.



When You're Gone
Cheryl Wheeler

I read the paper turn on the news
And wear the floors out wonderin' what to do
The sun is bright but it doesn't shine
I try to fight it but it happens every time

When you're gone day is night
When you're gone it's an uphill fight
When you're gone baby nothin' nothin's right

I'm goin' crazy sinkin' like a stone
My friends are calling sayin don't sit home alone but
It's not the same with anybody else
It won't be long 'till I'm talkin' to myself

So I watch that clock on the wall not movin' at all
Just frozen in time
And I don't mind letting you know I'm ready to go
Right out of my mind

The morning after the night before
It's hard to tell the difference anymore
Instead of growing stronger I'm just getting weak
Instead of killin' time I think it's killin' me
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2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Fuzzy Duck, when I first read this entry I thought it was written by your mother, I guess because I could so relate and I'm a mother who lost her son to adoption. It sounds so very reminiscent of times over the past 2 years since I've been in reunion when it feels like the light has just gone out of the living. Although I have the greatest joy in knowing my son now, it is also, truly, the greatest agony in realizing what I have lost.

You know, I have this very beautiful walk home from work - a wooded trail that opens out onto an incredible view of the bay with fields and vales in all directions. I cherish these visuals so much, partly because I've always appreciated nature and I like to paint what I see in nature. In the past couple of years there have been so many times when I have looked and REALIZED that I saw no beauty around me. That realization sucked. It gets better though. I often imagine walking arm in arm with my son through the glorious scenery and pointing out the various plants and birds. That's what I would have taught him as a young boy. Would he be interested now? I don't know.

I only read the first part of your post before taking a break to think about what I wanted to write. When I came back, I read Cheryl Wheeler’s name! She is the first person I ever saw at the F&S!!! That’s when I got to the end and realized that it was Fuzzy Duck posting. Look to your passion to get you through the darkest days. I've created some really ugly paintings lately, but they are authentic. You will be okay.

(((hugs)))
Carol

August 20, 2008 at 10:35 PM
Mara said...

Oh Carol, your post made me cry this morning!

I'm also a fan of walking and long hikes, and am lucky enough to be able to walk out of my house and take one of many paths along some creeks that run through here. And my son comes with me and we go on these plant and animal identification walks and pick berries. Funny, I have thought of you and your son the last couple of times we did that. And eerily, a couple of summers ago, I went on a long hike with my aunt (nmom's sister) and was floored about how we went for this walk through the woods, the path would fork, and we would pick always the same direction without saying anything. If that's not symbolic, I don't know what is.

Anyway. Yes, Cheryl Wheeler is one of my heroes. I just saw her at the Freight recently. I can't believe that someone else actually knows who she is!! These last couple of days have been so incredibly dark for me, especially with the dead-end 20 year search for my father, and somehow I got her "potato" song stuck in my head yesterday when I was in the middle of a funk. "They're red, they're white, they're brown...they get that way underground..." She doesn't know it, but yesterday, she saved me.

August 21, 2008 at 7:01 AM

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