Oh, those "like a..." statements are dangerous, aren't they? The minute you start comparing an "adoption reunion" to "like a..." anything, you can get yourself in big trouble. So my mother and I have been trying to not compare our relationship to anything. Mother/daughter rules don't really apply. She IS my mother - that's not lost on me by a long shot - but the parental role is not there. She's a lot like me, but she's not exactly like a twin sister, and she's not exactly just a friend. But today, my mother figured out that our relationship is kind of like a...teenage romance.
What the HELL? - was my first reaction to this. But really, she's not too far off.
Think back to your first puppy love crushes or whatever they were when you were a teenager. Oh, the drama. Oh, the agony. Oh, the inability to think of anything/anyone else at times. And of course, there's the mindreading factor...did s(he) look at me THAT way or did s(he) REALLY mean THIS or THAT...and there's the turning the most innocuous statements into OH GOD, S(HE) DOESN'T LOOOOVE ME ANYMORE.
Well, at least it's like that for us.
Many books talk about being stuck in the life cycle, regression, etc. and at first, I tried to equate the emotional immaturity of our relationship to these factors, but it's not exactly that. This dynamic has existed for over three years now, and the only evolutions that have occured are the realizations of what we are doing. It doesn't seem to change the behaviors, though...or at least, it hasn't yet.
I mean, some of the emails we write to each other sound like notes you would pass to your big crush in high school. Oh, I loooooove you, I miss you, have been thinking about you allllll day...all that's missing are the hearts and flowers drawn all over them and the creative origami-like folds in the paper.
Disgusting, isn't it?
I wonder if this strange, immature dynamic will ever stop. I admit, some of it is kind of fun. The highs are wonderful. The lows suck.
So are we the only ones with this odd dynamic?
Something tells me we aren't...
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Yes, the pounding heart, the fear of rejection, the ultra-highs when we talk, ultra-lows when we don't....it is very much like puppy love.
No you are definitely not the only ones!! My 19 year old son reunited with 7 months ago and it feels just like you described. We talk numerous times a day mostly by phone, but by e-mail as well, and while really the lows are few, they are tough...missing him sooo tangible now. Missing him all his life was so much easier than missing the boy who went back "home" 12 days ago after a 19 day visit with us in honour of his 19th birthday. He lives too far away (5 hours drive) to see hm every week-end, we are trying for at least one week each month and not being with him is agony for me, his dad and his 11 year old sister. So I can assure you, you are not the only ones expiriencing feelings like this
My daughters going through the same thing with her father right now. The highs from talking to him are so great, and the lows of not hearing from him are so bad it reaches all the way up here and hurts me.
You are not alone.
Oh, yes, I totally get what you are saying. My son found me last year when he was 19 and my husband commented more than once how it felt like I had a new boyfriend- all of the angst and euphoria. He moved in with us six months ago and sometime people mistake us for boyfriend/girlfriend....yuck (especially to my son:) ) but my husband said that the way we act together, laughing and stuff, almost makes it look like that. He started to call me Mom a few months ago and that did cause a subtle change; and the awfulness of trying to read into everything said and unsaid is leaving.... our relationship is getting pretty comfortable now. I know he will not be here forever and I do worry about what our relationship will be like when he leaves....it just sucks and is emotionally exhausting to go through the lows.
oh hell to the yeah.
many people thought we were a couple when she was here.
and it still feels like the worst break up ever.
maybe if you make one of those paper fortune tellers it will give you insight and wisdom.....
;)
hope you are having a fun week without too much separation anxiety. can't wait to see you!!!
What's hard to do is to compare it to what a normal mother-daughter relationship would be like...I could never tell because I had only the daughter I gave up when she was born. She lived with us for summers when she was in high school, and that did approximate a regular relationship of mother/daughter. But she was always put off a bit when I introduced her as my daughter, but she was OK with introducing me as her mother, because she knew everybody she said that to...knew exactly what kind of mother I was.
--lorraine
and while I'm here I'm going to say that I have my own blog, Firstmother Forum at blogspot also.
Nope, you are not alone. I think it has something to do with the bonds that were broken knitting.
My niece and my goddaughter just had babies recently. I look at the pictures of them holding their babies and I see women who are in love.
It just feels stranger because these aren't babies they are grown up people.
It's normal. Or at least usual. Been there, done that. Enjoy it. These are the moments that will sustain you if/when the going gets rough.
sIt is like that forever and then after 23 something changed and we are like an old married couple that know they will always love one another no matter what. We still drift apart, but we now know we will always drift back together. I always remember after one of our five year separations my daughter said something very simple but so true, "lets just love each other, with no expections". Now if we can keep it at that we have it made.
of course you are not alone. I have read many stories like yours!!
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