Authenticity...what is it?
As adoptees, many of us hide behind the people-pleasing mask. We are the ultimate chameleons. This has its strong points - most of us have friends from all walks of life and we find something in common with all of them. Learning to adapt is one of our strong suits. It's more than a strong suit - it's a survival mechanism.
In therapy this week, all my doctor had to say was, "How are you?" and I had a major meltdown. Mind you, I rarely cry in his office. And I kept apologizing for crying. I apologized for the suicidal thoughts I had been having. He asked me why I was sorry and smiled at me while he passed the kleenex.
I think I had to let all of that stuff go. Get it out. Get real. I had been holding those people near and dear to me at arm's length without even realizing it. I was so busy trying to keep the smiling face on. I was so busy being supportive of others that I forgot to support myself.
So this week, I let it happen. I let others hold me up. I let my husband really love me. And it felt good. Vulnerability feels good. I am realizing that I have to make an effort not to put on the mask, not to pretend everything is fine when it really sucks, and let my friends be there. That it really is OK for me not to have to be the one that fixes everything all the time.
This week, I rediscovered my true friends, including my Sisters in the Trenches, my music, and that big lug of a man who can be such a thorn in my side some days, but is always there to give me a sloppy kiss and a giant bear hug and remind me what love really is.
Maybe I don't need to be the one who does everything, who fixes everything, who is only there because people NEED something from me. I am starting to learn that sometimes they need to love me, that they WANT to be there for me...that it's not a chore.
Bye bye mask....I'm learning to let go of you.
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3 comments:
YAY for YOU! I love this.
When my post stroke dad was confronting his physical and emotional helplessness, his mind hummed along for years, with questions and ideas. He wanted to know what use he was.
He spent almost 9 years as a "Love Object". We all need someone to love, to receive our love.
Wow. I am so proud of you. I admit, it's not easy to throw it out there and ask for our friends to love us, to share our pain. But I also know that this is too heavy a burden to carry on my own. Thank you for lifting the weight for me today, and I promise to be there for you as well. We will get through this together. We have to. We're all we got. Hang in there. I am excited to see you next week.
That struck me what you said about having friends from all walks of life. So true. I have friends with PhD's and one of my best friend's is a high school drop out. I never thought of it as me learning to adapt, but maybe there is some truth in that (for me).
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