Friday, July 18, 2008
Why Is It so Hard To Believe
It has been a hard 10 days. I was finally able to get back on and re-read the last two posts. When I read my daughters last post I immediately saw REJECTION. It was like big bold letters, I DON'T NEED YOU, I HAVE EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE I NEED RIGHT HERE. So what do I do, withdraw and convince myself that she doesn't really want me in her life, I make everything harder for her. What have I been thinking. She is a grown woman and deserves to have her own life and I am in the way. OK, so a lot of you reading this have probably been down this path about 100 times. She calledme. We talked. I am a complete idiot sometimes (an incomplete idiot other times). I just read her last 2 posts. So why am I so able to believe the rejection I saw in the second post and not the love I saw in the previous one? Easy answer, I really don't believe I deserve a second chance. Well I have a second chance and she has given me a third, fourth, fifth etc. Maybe I will learn. I will keep trying.
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5 comments:
I've been there and I know there is more work to be done.
Keep participating. You're an important piece of the puzzle.
When you love your child so much, it is an incredible leap of faith to believe that you are loved by them in their adulthood in even the best situations. They know the worst about you, and they still love you. It goes both ways, but we each forget that. We forget so easily. I think that love often takes a big leap of faith. And it's not easy at all; there's a big, black, gaping abyss you might fall into during the leap.
Keep hanging in there and believing.
The rejection thing works both ways. I can take the most innocuous thing and turn it into being kicked to the curb forever. It is like insecurities on steroids sometimes.
And yes Eve, you are right about love being a leap of faith. It is like I want some kind of proof that my mother won't disappear again, but there is no such thing. Therefore, we must put ourselves out there and take the risk. It is difficult for both of us.
Over the years I have come to recognize this as conditioning by the industry.
The whole "your mother didn't want you" and the "your child will never forgive you."
It's taken me a long time to convince myself that I am worthy of a second chance.
Keep at it.
Fuzzy rat mom, I am on the outs (maybe even permanately) with my birthdaughter...so I totally get the whole second third, ect chances. Is it so wrong to want to love our child and be loved by our child without all the guilt. No, Fuzzy Duck Daughter, I am not saying you (the adoptee) are responsible for the guilt we feel, we do that to ourselves. The rejection goes both ways, I hate what has become of my reunion...but I love your blog. it has really helped me to be able to put my birthdaughters feeling into a perspective that I would never have been able to see without your blog. My only regret is that my birthdaughter found me at such a young age (only 17), because of that and her upbringing I have had to sever our ties (alothough not forever I hope) to allow her time to mature and be able to handle the dynamic of our relationship. Take care both of you, and please keep posting...if it helps know that there is someone out there in blogland that is getting a lot out of your blog.
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