Leaving Las Vegas

I got back from our visit last night. We hadn't seen each other in 5 months. To say that it was wonderful is the understatement of the century.

One of the common themes of our face to face meetings is that we always have new revelations. We knew that we had a lot of parallel insecurities/paranoias/baggage, but we could have created the world's biggest flow chart after our discussions over the past three days. It is truly amazing. We will blog about it later. I am still spinning.

I miss my mother...god, I miss her sooooooo much.

Leaving always sucks, but there is a difference this time. This time, even though the rawness of missing her is awful just like it always is, I genuinely feel warm, fuzzy, and loved on the inside.

I don't think I have to wonder anymore what it feels like to have a mother that really loves you.

I really, really hope it lasts.

Pre-face-to-face Jitters

So do any of you out there in blogland experience this phenomenon?

Or is it just us?

Or maybe it's just me.

I think the she-doesn't-really-love-me jitters are some sort of anxiety I go through before we meet when we haven't seen each other in a long time. A lot of those fears are buried, latent, just waiting to pop up at the most inappropriate moment...but they seem to be triggered by knowing I'm going to see her again. I get sooooooo insecure, and sometimes the insecurites really have no merit, aside from the fact that I'm adopted.

Anyway, the fuzzy rat and I are working through it and it feels good. I am starting to feel the love, man.

How do we work through this crap?

People ask me all the time, "How is it that you can SHARE A BLOG with your mother???" Well, the open communication is what gets us through that. I think there is very little that we go through - good, bad, and ugly - that we don't share with the other. In being so nauseatingly open with each other, we find that many of our insecurities/fears/worries have parallels. And even if we don't see the parallels, we have an advantage in that our minds form similar logic chains. I don't think that's true for every mother/daughter pair. It's true for us, and we milk the hell out of it.

Even before my mother came out of the fog, she still shared much of what was going on in her brain. And even though I wanted to scream at her and shake some sense into her and get her to stop drinking the kool aid, we got through those first couple of years because she was HONEST and OPEN with me. It was risky, but she did it anyway. When she decided we would be in contact, she jumped in with both feet. She couldn't deal with a "Christmas Card" relationship where we were some kind of casual buddies that checked in once a year or so.

By nature, we aren't casual buddies, folks. She's my MOTHER. I don't care if it's socially acceptable or not. I don't care what kind of labels society throws on her saying she needs to be less-than or take a back seat because she didn't raise me.

Just because she wasn't there doesn't mean she left me. I think I was always there in her mind.

I'm just starting to figure this stuff out, I think.

More later...

How Do You Get Through It?

So another sleepless night. The evil gods of adoption have got to be laughing their asses off over this one. The Fuzzy Duck doesn't believe she is loved and I don't believe that I deserve to be loved. We are quite a pair. I agree that leaving after we have had time together is awful. Missing her every day we are apart is awful. Not seeing her is worse. No I do not walk back to my perfect life feeling happy and content that I have gotten everything I need or want. Time with her is not a heroin fix where you feel really great until you can get your next fix. Every time I leave it reminds me of what I lost. I am not sure if I can even write this. It seems like it is some kind of self-centerd 'I can hurt as badly as you' whine. I can't pretend that it wasn't my fault that all this pain is there. Maybe its pointless. Maybe there is no way I can ever really get my daughter to understand how much I love her and how very important she is. Right now I want to scream and cry and just grab on to her tight and never let her go. It doesn't matter, she won't believe me. I don't know how I will get through today but I will.

The Evils of Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

Yes, the Fuzzy Rat is right. I have gone into official Reunion Panic three years too late. I had to think about what brought it on.

We haven't seen each other in five months. That's the longest separation we've had since we met in 2005. I have gotten myself in some semblance of a routine, have started making my own way in the world and have learned to survive without knowing when I would see her again, if ever. I knew I could make it alone if I had to. I could survive on emails and phone calls.

And then bam, here comes our upcoming visit. We are supposed to meet in a neutral city and we have almost 3 days to ourselves. Sounds like heaven, right? Just her and I and a fuckload of expensive red wine.

There is a problem. Separating for me after a visit is always godawful. It's not a big deal for the Fuzzy Rat. She takes what she can get and looks forward to the next time. I have a tough time believing there will ever BE a next time. But the worst part is that I relive the goddamn relinquishment EVERY. TIME. WE. PART. Adoptees don't remember? Sure we do. It's ingrained into the very depth of our souls. Yes, I buy into the Primal Wound theory. It sure as hell applied to me. I try not to be a martyr about it, but sometimes it rears its ugly head. When my mother leaves, it's okay, here's your goodbye hug and I am going back to the perfect life I've built for myself that doesn't include you. That's what it feels like. When we part, she is sated. She doesn't need me again for a while. Me...I am screaming that I want my mommy. I want her to be the center of my world, but she doesn't want to be. She has her own world. She made a choice for me not to be in it, but to share a little corner when she has time. That's not to say she doesn't love me - I know she does. I know she tries to make me feel like she cares about me. I know she doesn't want to hurt me. But she does. Just by being my (gag) birthmother that didn't want me, she hurts me.

She hurts me because she doesn't need me. Not really. She just doesn't. It's not her fault. I add to her life. I am the chocolate sprinkles on the whipped cream that was already there. There are worse things than being chocolate sprinkles, I know. But I am tired of being chocolate sprinkles. I want to be the whipped cream, dammit. No, I am NOT GRATEFUL for just being chocolate sprinkles.

So I have to decide. Live with being sprinkles, or crumbs, or whatever, or pick myself up, dust myself off, and selfishly move on by myself and let her go? Would it really matter that much?

I wish I could believe that it did.

So What Do I Do Now

It was going well but we are back to the bad place. We have plans to meet next week for a few days before I attend a conference that is least in almost the same time zone as where she is. I have been looking forward to this for weeks and was down to counting the days. Now she doesn't want to come because it is just too hard to see me and then I leave. She has also decided that I would be much happier if I had the extra time with my husband. Well there is also the part about how it is better because reunions never last and we are just kidding ourselves. This is all wrapped around the idea that it is better for me because I have some kind of perfect life and there is no place for her. I am supposed to be happy about this because now I get my life back which is so perfect without her. This is not anything new. It has happened before and we have gotten through it. If she told me that she didn't want to see me and just talk to me occassionally because she needed her life back and has no room for me I could at least understand. I wouldn't like it and I would be horribly hurt. I'm not sure how I could get through it but if I believed that I took something away from her life instead of adding something to it I would have to let her go. I don't think that is what is going on here. How can we talk on the phone for hours and laugh about silly stuff and cry and scream about adoption issues and not be important to each other. How can we finish each others sentences and ask about the day to day things in each other lives (and really care about the answer) and not love each other. How can you love someone but never want to see them? I know in my head that these are issues that a lot of adoptees have. I know in my head that pushing me away is really about a fear that I will walk away. I try every way I know to tell her and show her how important she is to me and how much I love her. How do I know that I am doing the right thing? Maybe she is sorry she ever bothered to find me. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing. More than anything I don't want to hurt her. How do I know what is right?

Its Hard To Write When You Are Crying

I signed on today to talk about how hard it was to read about the latest mom-bomb and know how badly the fuzzy duck was hurt by the casually cold manipulative comments. What do I find there but her latest post. This was a major mascera violation for me. Yes that is/was my no cry rule. NEVER be caught with tear smudged mascera. It is a rule that has served me well over the years. Fuck rules. I can't even describe what it feels like to know I have made a difference in such an important part of her life. She has told me but seeing it here in writing just hit me like you can't believe. I guess a lot of you mothers-like-me understand. These are the happiest tears I can ever imagine.

School has been an important part of our three years together. She was accepted at a top notch school right after she first talked to my sister and about the time I came to my senses and said I would call her. It all came together. The Fuzzy Duck is very smart and incredibly talented. Now she knows it. She never really believed it before. I can't take credit for the musical talent, I have zero but at least I love music. She needed to do this for herself. This last semester has been different, she hasn't told me once that she she was going to fail her mid-term (definition: anything less than an A). The piece of paper isn't important. The Fuzzy Duck knowing she can do it everything. Not only can she do it. She has done it while being a wife and a mother and going through all the trauma and drama of a reunion. Now that is an accomplishment. I am so proud of her. She has given me something wonderful, the right to say I am proud of her. She is my daughter. I would love her as much if she had never gone back to school but bragging rights are just such fun. We will see each other in 2 weeks. I can't wait. We even get a bonus visit before graduation thanks to my business trip and her supportive husband. Freija (her feline sister) is helping me write this by walking on the keyboard. She would also like to point out that she has contrbuted by offering many rodent and bird sacrifices for her success on exams. Freija is also proud of her but maybe not as much as I am.

Almost Done

So I picked up my cap and gown today. They're hanging on my bedroom door.

My aparents always wanted me to graduate from college. So did the Fuzzy Rat Mother.

It looks like it's finally going to happen.

So...here's a toast to my aparents for raising me up right and giving me a firm foundation.

And...here's a toast to the Fuzzy Rat Mother, without whom this day never would have happened. She has been my rock over these past three years. She is the one who never failed to call me or email me when I had a monster exam or terrifying audition coming up. She is the one who could manage to make me laugh even when I was sure I was going to flunk out of school and that everyone hated me. She doesn't know this, but she is THE reason I made it.

That one day that she decided to pick up the phone and talk to me and give our relationship a go...it made all the difference in the world. For the first time in my life, I really felt validated. I needed her with me through this journey, and she was there.

So, my dearest Fuzzy Rat Mother, today I give you the world's biggest hug and say THANK YOU.