So What Do I Do Now

It was going well but we are back to the bad place. We have plans to meet next week for a few days before I attend a conference that is least in almost the same time zone as where she is. I have been looking forward to this for weeks and was down to counting the days. Now she doesn't want to come because it is just too hard to see me and then I leave. She has also decided that I would be much happier if I had the extra time with my husband. Well there is also the part about how it is better because reunions never last and we are just kidding ourselves. This is all wrapped around the idea that it is better for me because I have some kind of perfect life and there is no place for her. I am supposed to be happy about this because now I get my life back which is so perfect without her. This is not anything new. It has happened before and we have gotten through it. If she told me that she didn't want to see me and just talk to me occassionally because she needed her life back and has no room for me I could at least understand. I wouldn't like it and I would be horribly hurt. I'm not sure how I could get through it but if I believed that I took something away from her life instead of adding something to it I would have to let her go. I don't think that is what is going on here. How can we talk on the phone for hours and laugh about silly stuff and cry and scream about adoption issues and not be important to each other. How can we finish each others sentences and ask about the day to day things in each other lives (and really care about the answer) and not love each other. How can you love someone but never want to see them? I know in my head that these are issues that a lot of adoptees have. I know in my head that pushing me away is really about a fear that I will walk away. I try every way I know to tell her and show her how important she is to me and how much I love her. How do I know that I am doing the right thing? Maybe she is sorry she ever bothered to find me. Maybe I am doing the wrong thing. More than anything I don't want to hurt her. How do I know what is right?