Pre-face-to-face Jitters

So do any of you out there in blogland experience this phenomenon?

Or is it just us?

Or maybe it's just me.

I think the she-doesn't-really-love-me jitters are some sort of anxiety I go through before we meet when we haven't seen each other in a long time. A lot of those fears are buried, latent, just waiting to pop up at the most inappropriate moment...but they seem to be triggered by knowing I'm going to see her again. I get sooooooo insecure, and sometimes the insecurites really have no merit, aside from the fact that I'm adopted.

Anyway, the fuzzy rat and I are working through it and it feels good. I am starting to feel the love, man.

How do we work through this crap?

People ask me all the time, "How is it that you can SHARE A BLOG with your mother???" Well, the open communication is what gets us through that. I think there is very little that we go through - good, bad, and ugly - that we don't share with the other. In being so nauseatingly open with each other, we find that many of our insecurities/fears/worries have parallels. And even if we don't see the parallels, we have an advantage in that our minds form similar logic chains. I don't think that's true for every mother/daughter pair. It's true for us, and we milk the hell out of it.

Even before my mother came out of the fog, she still shared much of what was going on in her brain. And even though I wanted to scream at her and shake some sense into her and get her to stop drinking the kool aid, we got through those first couple of years because she was HONEST and OPEN with me. It was risky, but she did it anyway. When she decided we would be in contact, she jumped in with both feet. She couldn't deal with a "Christmas Card" relationship where we were some kind of casual buddies that checked in once a year or so.

By nature, we aren't casual buddies, folks. She's my MOTHER. I don't care if it's socially acceptable or not. I don't care what kind of labels society throws on her saying she needs to be less-than or take a back seat because she didn't raise me.

Just because she wasn't there doesn't mean she left me. I think I was always there in her mind.

I'm just starting to figure this stuff out, I think.

More later...