Fallout From the Lie

My daughter and I have been talking about a lot of things including my sometimes odd behavior and some of her feelings. I have been thinking about it a lot. First thing is that she dropped everything and called me when she got my e-mail about Freija, She knew how I felt and knew I needed her. She was there for me. We have had conversations since. Somewhere along the line it occurred to me that it is amazing that she actually loves me. Why should she? She didn't relinquish me, I reliquished her. Yes I was hurt by it but at least I got a vote and I delt with the fallout as an adult. She didn't get a vote and had to deal with the fallout as a child. It is hard to rationalize when you are an infant and no one can explain that it is 'best for you' when you hurt. I am not saying that it is easy for the mothers but at least there is the lie to cling to. So I am trying to wrap my mind around what it really means to be adopted. I realized that a lot of my weird behavior comes about when I simply have no idea what to do or how to react. Believe me, it is not a pretty sight. The only way I know is to really open up my mind to what adoption does to a person including some very sad pieces. The saddest for me is understanding that I can't make it go away like it never happened. I can't make her feel secure and safe and loved. I can do better with accepting and understanding her and get by my self-centered hurt feelings and self-protective behaviors. In short, I have to get by the deer in the headlights reactions (OK I will slip sometimes but I can get better). So this is going to be one of those posts where I probably manage to offend way too many people and be told that I am full of shit and I haven't got a clue. I don't intend any offense. I know that I don't really have a clue so I won't take offense when someone (including you Fuzzy Duck) tells me that I am clueless. I don't even think that my thoughts are entirely coherent at this point. So take them for a straw man. I have to start somewhere.

Separation is unatural. An infant knows the differnce between their mother and a kind stranger. They were together for 9 months, one person. An infant feels safe with the mother who is familiar (yes I do belive mother/child bonding starts before birth. I didn't until recently). The child is hurt by the separation. At some point the child knows that they (for those linguisically inclined I can't bring my feminist self to use the 'he' and the he/she is just cumbersome) are adopted and has to make sense of it. There is no way for a child to make sense of it other than mommy didn't want me. I don't care how it gets dressed up, children are quite literal and will see it as rejection. The child then feels sure that there is something wrong with them if their mother didn't want them. Then, no mateer if someone tries to tell them differently it follows that if they aren't very good their parents will also reject them. So life gets to be a constant challange of trying to prove that they are good enough. They can't feel safe and loved just for themselves. I am sure that as a normal part of growing up there is more than a fair share of acting up and pushing back but the underlying problem is just not feeling good enough. Love becomes very conditional. I will be loved if I follow all the rules. I will be loved if I act like you, think like you, do what you want. At some point a lot of adoptees realize they have been totally screwed over. What I can't really understand is that why when they look for us they are not comming armed. Not kicking in the door and kicking us to a bloody pulp until we explain what the fuck we thought we were doing is a triumph of rationality over justifiable anger. Then to add to the fun they get confronted with fog ladden self-righteousness followed by a sappy attempt to make it better. And people wonder why they are such ungrateful little bastards. I am suprised that my daughter does love me. I am suprised she lets me love her. I need to get over the self pitty that causes hurt feelings when I am 'trying to do my best' and she pulls back. The fact is that I got a vote in the relinquishment and she didn't. I was an adult dealing with the pain of separation and she was a child. She is entitled to anger at me. I am entitled to my anger at the lie and the people who perpetuate that lie for their profit and self interest. I am angry at her hurts that I can't heal. I am happy that she is in my life and that we love each other.