For those of you that saw the goodbye post from the fuzzy duck, she will be back very soon. She asked me to delete the post. She is having a rough time now but understands that this is importanat for both of us and will be back on the board. I am happy about that but I wish that she wasn't going through so much turmoil right now.
Its hard to explain what has been going on. As much as we communicate there are times when we can just get in different places and hurt each other. Its hard but I have had some time to think about it. I can hurt her. She can hurt me. We have trouble saying when we have been hurt. It is too easy to just retreat back to what did you expect. It is too easy to believe that you have been crazy to think that you are important and so many reasons to believe that we really aren't. It is one of the hardest parts of reunion. Inside each of us thinks we don't really have a place and we are intrusions on each other's lives. The feeling of rejection and unwortheyness are both very real. It has the same root. The belief that both of us have had for so long that we are just not good enough. How can we believe that we really are good enough to deserve each other's love? How can we believe that we are important to each other? How can we learn to say when we are hut and trust each other? I know that it will take time. What we have realized is that loving each other doesn't save us from doubts and hurts. We have realized is that neither one of us can be apart. We need each other in so many ways. Living so far apart is hell. It makes everything so much harder. We both have said thing we regret. We have both reacted in ways that seemed to make sense at the time but we regret. The root of all evil is reliquishment and the fog lies. I am just begining to understand how much we have been hurt and how each of us is reacting to the same hurt.
This has been a very hard one. We were just starting to get back to where we should be and talking again. A really bad scare just occured in her life. She called and I think I was able to help some. We have talked a few times today. She needs me and I am 2400 miles away. I hate that. She needs to be hugged and have just a little bit of time where she can beloved and cared for instead of being strong and taking care of everyone else. I want to be there so much and instead all I can do for now is tell her how much I love her and even make her laugh a bit. I want to be there and just give her some time where she can lean on me for a time. I want to just hold her and tell her it will be all right. I want to help with my grandson. I want to do the shopping and make dinner so she doesn't have to. More than anything I just want to give her a bit of time where she can just cry and be held and loved before she pulls herself together again and do what she does so well, take care of everyone else.
She will be back soon.
Mother and daughter separated by closed adoption, reunited since 2005, working our way out of the fog and into reality.
fuzzy duck
daughter
fuzzy rat
mother
About Us
Blogs We Read! (this list will be growing...fast)
- Adoptee Journal
- Adopting My Identity
- Amy Adoptee
- Bastard in a Handbasket
- BB Church's Funhouse
- Champagne and Tears
- Infant Atwell
- It Came from the Cabbage Patch
- Joy's Division
- Joy's Mom
- Kim Kim
- Life and my boys
- Lizard Chronicles
- Musings of the Lame
- My Mouth is my Palace
- Possum's Place
- The Chronicles of Munchkinland
- The Daily Bastardette
- The Scoop
- Ungrateful Little Bastard
- Without A Tribe
- You Never "Get Over It"
4 comments:
I read this over and over and you express the insecurities so well. It resonnated with me.
I will save your thoughts and share them with my son when we hit the rough patches.
Angelle
You asked how can you each believe one another's love? I mean it sincerely when I suggest faith. What about faith? Faith in one another? If not that, what about faith in love. Do you not believe in Real Love?
And also... (put this in the dumb or crazy question category), but might it ever be possible for you two to live closer to one another?
And do you want and read these comments, or not? I can't tell.
Honestly eve, I have a really tough time with the concept of faith. I chalk it up to adoptee baggage. That doesn't mean I don't try to just let go of the baggage and try to grab on...I just usually have a habit of getting burned, with the exception of romantic love. For the most part, I've been pretty lucky in that category in my life. It's odd that I categorize the love I have for my husband into one area, the love for my son in another, and everybody else I care about in yet another area. I think the first two areas feel safe...the other, not so much. Again, baggage. I'm working on it, but I don't know that I'll ever overcome it.
As far as my mother and I living closer together...we both have personal circumstances and priorities that prevent that from happening and leave us locked on opposite coasts, and I don't envision that changing in our lives. I am learning to come to terms with that. In a strange way, the distance is starting to become normal to me. I think it is because I am used to my family not being close by. My aparents moved when I was still in my early 20s and I've been on my own ever since. It's okay.
And yes, we do welcome comments...we're just not that great at responding to them! :) I'll try to do better. We really do appreciate all the feedback.
Duck, thank you for responding. I just find you and your mum so lovely. Really, really lovely women. I come here and read and I come away feeling so sad.
I know from personal experience--albeit a very different type, but still similar on a feeling/trust/faith/love level--that real mother-daughter love can grow and bloom and last a lifetime even if you didn't grow up together. I think we all can see your connection and reading about your struggles is just moving.
I really can't thank you enough for your honesty and courage in sharing yourselves here. As we say in the south, I just love y'all.
Post a Comment