We have just encountered the first and probably not the last total chaos situation. For a people pleaser this has to be the fifth ring of hell. My solution was to go to the formal graduation (pomp,circumstances, and speeches) on Tuesday and leave before her parents arrive. Sounds sane but really doesn't resolve much except for the immediate problem. So what happens the next occasion. I have no idea what that might be but it is lurking somewhere. The real problem is that she loves her parents (this is good) and loves me (this is also good). As a side note I refer to her parents as a liguistic convience. I am her mother but not her parent. It keeps things straight. More than just the occasion thing it has got to be a hard place. The fuzzy duck daughter wants to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. This has got to be something like not telling your parents you have been living with some guy for three years. Actually it is probably worse.
I really hate causing her problems and stress. This is where I just want to retreat and quit causing her pain. Doing that would just cause her more pain. Sometimes I wonder if she made a mistake by finding me. Would it be easier if she could just write me off as just another self absorbed bitch that doesn't care about her? That is me shifting into my martyr role. Quick, grab the fog repellant. This is a tough one. The really sad part is I think I would really like her parents. Equally sad is that I am afraid her mom can't wrap her head around the idea that I am not competition for her and it shouldn't be about choice. I believe I have an important place in her life just as she has an important place in mine. It is not the same place her mom has. That is one of those things I had to confront early on. I am not some kind of replacement or supplement for anyone. Maybe it is all about the damn 'MOTHER' word. You know the word that has to be hyphenated. Maybe if I had my own word her mom would feel more comfortable.
So here we are with an unresolved situation that I want to resolve in a way that will make her happy. This is the pushy fuzzy rat mother speaking who wants to organize and fix everything. Just because I often make a mess when I get into trying to fix things doesn't seem to inhibit this impulse. All I can really do is let her make the decision that is right/least bad for her. I am willing (and not offended) to hide behind potted palms, adjust my plans or do whatever seems right. It would be a lot easier if I had no clue why this is hard for the fuzzy duck and even why it is an issue for her mom. Then I could just stamp my foot and demand everyone defer to me as the sainted one who has greatly suffered for giving up her only child so she could have everything a child needs. OK, even in my 37 year fog induced coma that one would make me puke.
Just to add to the drama and insanity, I really like her husband and we get along quite well. He even shares his good wine with me. The image of her huband her mom and I sharing an enclosed space has got to be either the stuff of murder mysteries or a really great Noel Coward comedy.
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4 comments:
I dont have any words of wisdom but I am sure that a compromise can be reached. (Not very brilliant of me but I want you to know I have been reading).
Thanks mary....just that we know you are reading means a lot to both of us.
xo
Dear Fuzzies, I've left a very long comment earlier on, but just wanted you to know that I've read this entire thing here. One observation that I have is that the reason others don't make reunion any easier is because they are not the ones reuninting; it's not their energy building up to a big CRESCENDO!!!
Some years ago, my neighbors on either side were an adult adoptee and a birth mother (no lie). There we were: adopted adult, adoptive mother, birth mother, neighbors all.
During the 15 years we lived alongside one another, we witnessed one another's reunions or failures to reunite. One thing I learned is that the intensity does eventually play out, but during the intense period of reunion, which can last a year or two (kind of like the infatuation stage of love and marriage), the participants really need to pace themselves. I think they actually need a honeymoon, during which they go away together (road trip, cruise, something) and just do it ALONE. They must do this (if you ask me). This is what adoptive parents do when they bond to their newly adopted baby or child... they get alone with one antoher and get to know one another.
Why should birth parents and adoptees not do likewise? I think it will do wonders. And mixing the intense phase of reunion with big, predictable family events (like graduations) can really be a recipe for disaster.
I've already written my opinion about the graduation earlier. However, the latest suggestion of splitting things up could work. It may feel like it doesn't work for Ducky because she may be sick and tired of being or feeling divided.
Another option is to consider the timeline and give the graduation to the parents, if they contributed in a substantial way to the schooling. However, seeing as Rat contributed to life (for Pete's sake!), that's kind of a lame psychological excuse for just putting off the inevitable.
One of my former clients put it best when she said, "I just want to have them all in the same room, just because then I'll feel the people who really matter to me will all be there."
Isn't that enough?
I know you can make the decision that is best for you, Duck. Just get alone and ask yourself what you want, and how you will feel if you get it, and then figure out how and if you can get it. And then just try; if you're ready.
Eve, I agree that spending time alone together is a good thing, at least for us. The rat and I first met in Chicago, a neutral location, and spent a few days alone together. We have also taken an extended road trip alone and are planning on a quick trip to Vegas next month. However, I know many adoptees who would shudder at the thought of spending that much time alone with their mothers. The rat and I are good friends and have a ridiculous amount of things in common...I think the fact that we are friends outside of all of this helps to make it work.
As far as the intensity factor goes...we will be reunited 3 years in June and we are getting increasingly intense, despite the roller coaster. I don't know if we're unique in that way. When it comes to "occasions" that involve mixing of families, my goal is to be as respectful as I can of everyone involved without forsaking myself. I think we reached an ideal solution with graduation...we'll deal with the others as they come down the pipeline.
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