Struggle of the Week

Some of us nice, little compliant adoptees will do anything to get people to love us. Or like us. Hell, tolerate us.

My obligation list is 3 miles long. I keep myself extraordinarily busy doing things for other people. I aim to please. Problem is, it never seems to be enough. Enough for other people. Enough for me to feel good about myself. Truth be told, sometimes I just want to bend over and have everyone kiss my ass because I work hard and I deserve it, dammit.

But then my inner demons come out. No, of course you don't DESERVE it. You don't deserve to have your ass kissed, sweetheart. You're adopted, dimwit. You're second best. Nobody wanted you. You're lucky you weren't left in a dumpster.

And please, don't try to make me feel better by giving me that "chosen baby" crap.

My adoptive parents didn't choose ME. They chose A BABY. They couldn't have a baby of THEIR VERY OWN, so they settled for second best. Me. That's what they got. And I have done my best, for 38 years, to prove myself worthy. It hasn't worked. Whose fault is that?

In my sane moments, I know it's not my fault. I know I've made mistakes like everyone else. I also know I'm smart, I'm pretty, and I deserve to be loved. Despite the fact that I'm adopted.

My mom, on the other hand, sees me as a big disappointment. No matter what I do, I can't please her. I'm not kidding. That's a long story for another post.

But the thing is, my mother, as in the one who brought me into the world, sees me differently. She tells me she's proud of me. She tells me all these wonderful things that I have a hard time believing about myself most of the time. But there's one thing my mother says to me that is awful. Just truly awful.

"I need you."

Huh? Need me for what? To wash your dog? Do your dishes? Pay your bills? Clean your refrigerator? What? What? What? What can I do for you? How can I be of service?

Apparently, just needs me. For me. For some strange reason.

That scares the shit out of me.

What if she needs me today, but not tomorrow?