We Made It Through Another One

It has been a really bad couple of weeks for the duck and I but we made it through. Graduation potential disasters have been averted. Since there are 2 graduations, large and Formal on Tuesday and small departmental on the following Sunday, I will be there on Tuesday and her parents on Sunday. I am good with it and the duck and I will have some quality time. She also gets time with her parents without any stress. We will just deal with other occasions as they occur. Ideally her mother would just accept the situation but that will probably not happen. I understand why she would feel better if she doesn't have to deal with the whole reunion thing. I don't think that makes my place less important. Sometimes it is better to recognize that two people who are important to you should not be in an enclosed space together. I'm not sure if my husband and my sister should even share the same planet and I avoid putting them in any proximity. Life is much easier that way.



All this was not accomplished without tears, drama, and a major meltdown (mine not hers). It wasn't the graduation that got to me it was an unfortunate mingling of circumstances where several of our plans for spending time together seemed to fall apart at the same time. I jumped to the usual other mother conclusion...REJECTION. I know every adoptee reading this gets it about REJECTION. I am usually a very calm logical sort who appears to be really cold and distant a lot of the time. The one thing that is guarenteed to turn me into a screaming, crying, irrational mess is any hint that the duck wants me out of her life. We have had our problems before with her pulling away when she really just needs reassurance. I've learned to deal with that. This just felt different. I went into a real regression where I convinced myself that the best thing I could do for her is to back away and quit making her life more difficult by asking for time and attention. It was so much more melodramatic than it sounds. The other mother thing is to go back to the pre-reunion, pre-fog free position of becoming a martyr for the GOOD OF THE CHILD. I got through a lot of years hanging on to the GOOD OF THE CHILD crap and developed an excellent imitation of stoic. Fortunately, the duck is perceptive and hit me over the head with a verbal two by four. We talked, we got through it.



One of the things we are learning is that reunions are really hard and the other people in your life don't make it easy. Even the supportive ones (like our husbands) don't get the drama. The supportive attitude is that you are back together and enjoy each other so why the drama. The drama is real and it is about love, separation, loss, and fear of what might happen. Since the themes are good enough for Shakespeare, I think they count as real drama. This whole reunion is full of those themes. The duck and I talk honestly about it and it has gotten us through some tough places. What we are trying to do now is to quit worrying about our place in each others lives and being a burden or causing problems and focus on understanding our place with each other. I think if we can get to the point where we can really believe that this reunion is real and it is permanant the rest of it will fall into place. I think we will get to a place where we can trust ourselves and each other. It will take time and probably more drama but it is worth it. In the meanwhile, we will keep talking and spend as much time time together as we can.