I was hesitant to write this. My daughter's post about birth mothers (I am using that very obnoxious term deliberatly because that is what we are when we are in the fog) really struck a chord with me. I have written before about why I relinquished. I haven't really understood why women would now. There are so many options. Society is fairly accepting of single mothers. Abortion is legal and safe. That was stupid of me to miss the whole point. The adoption industry stays alive and well based on the one big lie that keeps working. THE child deserves a better life than you can provide. It is pefect. It hits a very basic instinct, give your child the best life you possibly can. It is the all purpose lie. It works if you are poor. It works if you think you don't know how to be a good mother. It works if you are busy with a career and think there are not enough hours in the day to care for your child. It even works if you are married and didn't plan to get pregnant. You can give your child a better life than they would have with you. Not only that, you can give a nice couple who has the time/money/need to parent a wonderful gift. Forget the rest of the BS about how you will get over it and how you get to feel good about the decision as you get on with your life. That is a side show. What works is that the mother believes that her choice is to give her child the best possible life or be selfish and deny her child a good life. As a bonus you even get to make two strangers very happy. The whole thing wouldn't even be a lie if it weren't for one small inconvienent truth, an infant knows and wants their mother not just any person who cares for them. Separation from the mother hurts the child and they will remember the hurt. If I had known that my daughter needed ME more than she needed a nice married couple with a stable income and a desire to parent there is no way in hell I would have signed those damn papers. That is the bit of full disclosure that you don't hear when you are trying to figure out what to do.
I was hesitant to write this because in retrospect it sounds like some kind of lame excuse for taking the easy way out. I am writing about it because I think that it is something that most adoptees really don't understand. It is obvious to all/most adoptees reading this that they needed their mother not a substitute. It is not obvious to most people because you don't remember what it felt like to have your mother hold you when you were an infant. There are too many people who know what it feels like to not have their mother hold them. This inconvienent truth is also the last thing n-moms and a-moms want to hear. I am going out on a limb here and trying to speak for n-moms. I have avoided that because I have always felt that I could only speak for myself. I'm sure that there are plenty out there who will say I don't speak for them. They will be right. There are others who can't because facing it is hard. We relinquished because we wanted to give our children the very best we could. Even if we had known (they lie about this part too) that we would not just forget and get over it and that there would always be an emptiness no one could fill but our missing child we would have done it anyway. Finding out years later that you were what your child needed and you caused so much hurt to your child by not being there is devastating. I never believed I would go through anything as painful as the reliquishment. Comming out of the fog and understanding the harm I caused my daughter was worse. For the first two years of I reunion I clung to the belief that I did the right thing because I couldn't face the reality of the hurt I caused. It still hurts because I cannot heal her pain. I know that so much of what she goes through now is because I reliquished her. Sometimes it helps a bit because I am in her life now. It is a bit strange that I am glad I finally faced this. I,m not sure exactly why that is true and there are times that I would love to sink back into the fog and really believe that I made the right decision but I don't.
The reason (yes I will finally come to the point) that I decided to write this is that I have read a lot about adoptees searching, reunions and their difficulties, and reunions gone astray. A common theme seems to be that adoptees don't understand why they were 'rejected' and n-moms don't understand or can't face the fact that they caused harm to their child. So, I am on a crusade. I want full disclosure before any adoption decision is made that includes the following facts.
YOUR CHILD MAY BE HARMED BY ADOPTION. YOUR CHILD MAY HAVE LIFE LONG ISSUES WITH LOW SELF-ESTEEM, FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY, DIFFICULTY IN FORMING ATTACHMENTS, AND FEAR OF REJECTION.
ADOPTION AGENCIES WHETHER PUBLIC OR PRIVATE WILL BE MAKING MONEY FROM THE ADOPTION
ADOPTION LAWS ARE WRITTEN TO BENEFIT THE ADOPTING PARENTS NOT THE CHILD
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14 comments:
You have hit the nail right smack in the middle of the head.
I too believed th BS and I know deep inside myself that I hurt my daughter even though she will not admit it. She has had "a wonderful life". She is still in the fog and runs every time it starts to lift.
I love her unconditionally and never knew until I held her for the first time, 30+ years later. I was told not to hold or touch my child at birth as they would then bond with another woman. HA!!!!!
I don't know if I can face this yet. I know you are speaking from truth, but it's just so hard. My head and my heart can't come together yet. I've told myself for 20 years that my daughter is having a great life with wonderful parents; what would she need me for? I've just starting reading through blogs from this wonderful community of women and working to face the real issues. I'm getting there slowly and gearing up to make first contact. Thank you and your daughter for your words.
Thank you so much for writing this. I had actually just posted something about this very issue from the adoptee side of things on my blog. This is very helpful for me to read. Thank you.
Thank you. As an adoptee in reunion hell, I appreciate that someone from your camp can acknowledge that we were NOT better off. We may have had an elevation in social status, we may have had opportunities to travel, we may have had material goods and good dental care. But all that means *nothing* to me as I look down at my frozen chest and wonder if my heart will ever heal from this loss.
I too was told not to hold my baby. In fact they were adamant about it. Pictures too. I could have nothing. I didn't know until 28 years later that my daughter was ill after birth. Very ill and I'm not sure why. I did everything I was suposed to and yet she fell sick. I sometimes think it was from the separation. Her way of saying she needed me. I honestly thought I was doing the best thing for her, for them, and was willing to sacrifice what was best for me in order for all of them to have the best. I am not offended by you speaking on my behalf in regard to this subject. You couldn't be more right.
Can any of us ever be completely out of the fog? I held my son for the first time when he was 39. We have a tremendous bond.
I do not think anyone in his afamily sees his issues growing up, and those of his adopted sister (and hers were huge), as being related to adoption.
His amom bought into the other side of the lie. She matter of factly related a story to me about his childhood that broke my heart, it was a classic separation issue.
However I know to her he is HER son and I am just the birthmother.
"I have written before about why I relinquished. I haven't really understood why women would now. There are so many options. Society is fairly accepting of single mothers. Abortion is legal and safe. That was stupid of me to miss the whole point. The adoption industry stays alive and well..."
Because there are fewer and fewer American women surrendering today, the pressure on those who do consider it are far more enormous. "Back in the day" adoption social workers had much of their persuasion done for them by the young woman's parents.
Today - it depends on a number of things: race, religion, community, financial status, education.
Many young women don;t tell their fmaily and try to "take care of it" on their own. For others, from very traditional religious backgrounds, it might as well be 1955! Their parents have all the control and are far more worried about what the neighbors will think.
But the industry is alive and well and will not die until the demand ceases. All it does now is move from one country to another - like tobacco companies.
You might be interested to read: "The Stork Market: America's Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry"
yes yes and yes. Hardest part of reunion for me was accepting that my daughter had NOT been better off without me, and in fact the majority of the problems (health related and anger related) she deals with are directly related to the fact that her father and I were not in her life. So much for the better life.
YOU GO FUZZY RAT MOTHER!!! :), you got it, you spoke the truth, it is the truth.
:) - From Shelley - who knows your girl from the forums - Tell Irish, K's mom says hello and things are "back on track"
My best to you,
Shelley
Fuzzy Rat,
This post really hit me. So much so, that I commented it over on my blog.
http://letterstokim2.blogspot.com/
Amen, Fuzzy Rat! Why does everyone refuse to see how cruel and inhuman it is to separate a baby from his mother? I am a birthmother, first monther, natural mother, whatever - I see myself as simply a mother. Other people can use the terms they are most comfortable with, and I will do the same.
I recently entered into reunion, a process which is so complicated I don't even know where to begin. Luckily I found the wonderful mother's blogs and adoptee forums that have helped tremendously - your blog, AAFC, Suz, Denise, Theresa, Robin, Dan, Possum, Lillie, Mia - to name only a few.
I have learned incredible things by listening to the experiences and needs of the adoptees who are so eloquent and sensitive in their understanding of adoption issues. Why are their words so easily discounted by the industry? I fear money is the simple answer to that question.
And yes Mirah, I agree young women are still forced today to surrender their babies against their wishes. The industry uses their slick marketing tactics to make it appear the mothers are under no coercion, but I believe there is as much family pressure as ever in terms of surrender. It's just prettied up with the "Birth Mother, Good Mother" big bag of BS.
What does everone think about this - I've noticed a disturbing trend amoung families that are touched by adoption. There seem to be so many cases where an adoptee ends up surrending a baby -I just wonder why this occurs as often as it appears to (at least I see a lot of it on the blogs; would love to know what the "hard" stats show).
Is there some pyschic wound that is transferred from the first birth mother onto her baby? This worries me becuase so many groups are pushing for an increase in infant adoptions and I wonder if there will be a long-term negative affect on society.
Yes, Yes, Yes!!! I can relate to everything you wrote in your post. I have often said all I needed to hear twenty years ago was that there was a risk that adoption might harm my child and I would have never surrendered him. NEVER! I struggle now everyday with the fact adoption did not give him the better life, instead it robbed him of what he should have had from birth. It is a terrible and painful awakening to realize what everyone told you would be the best decision for you child was anything but.
Thank you so much for this post and for putting the truth into such clear and accurate words.
I am an adoptee and daily I have mixed and hurtful emotions in regards to my adoption. I love my adoptive parents dearly and I gave my best to them because they were more matured parents. Both are deceased now and my reunion with my mother has not happened the 27 years that I have waited. She cannot face me and I don't know why. She finally just said she is not obligated to meet me. She also indicated that at 19 she thinks she made a good decision. Deep within I feel if she felt she made such a good decision she would have found me instead of me finding her and would have met me by now. She doesn't even want my brothers or other family members to be around me. She almost had a cow about me meeting a cousin. I am 49 and I had to have my daughter and son-in-law to help me meet my brother who knew nothing about me and is 52. There's another that is 51 and I hope I can see him one day in life.
My nmother's husband doesn't know and she has been married and re-married to him for 43 years or so. This is a second hurt because she wants me to pretend I am her niece in front of her family. This hurts like hell. At least you ladies who have relinquished seem honest and truthful about your child's feelings and acknowledge your feeling of not doing what was best. She on the other hand talks to me like I don't matter along with my child and grandchild that she has never had in her life like my brother's. Some days I hate her not for the adoption but how deceitful she has been -- untruthful to her family as well as me. Totally selfish. Ladies and gents please pray for me because I need it. I failed nursing school and other areas of my life because I am severely depressed most of the time. I did meet my brother and hopefully he will recognize me as a sister and not just a "half."
Sometimes I am hurt because I would be communicating with a long lost sister. Since our reunion, he will e-mail me back but I have to initiate it. I hurt tremendously and sometimes I don't want to live and it causes burdens to my family. Therefore, I keep a lot to myself. Many say to forget her but I have tried and it stays with me day in and out. Yes, there has been some trauma done to me and not just her.
However, she only thinks of herself because she has lied on me several times and even said that my adoptive mother told her sister that I was in an affair with my father. Total peacebreaking. Sometimes I think she has mental problems although she is a professional woman. My feelings go back and forth concerning her daily and sometimes hourly. Counseling helps as long as I am in the office or on the phone and then I start to waiver afterwards.
Don't be unloving to your children. Love them if they are angry because they are that way because yes, they did need you. Don't be selfish like my nmother and keep them away from family in a bubble away from their own family and hid from society while you live a lie. Acknowledge their feelings that will help a great deal. I know because my nmother never apologized, would hang up on me if I cried and screamed at me. The only way she will tell me she loves me too is if I say it first. She goes years without contact if I don't contact her. Deep inside I wish I had never been born because she treats me so insignificantly. Don't hurt your children like this. They did not ask to come here. They are innocent.
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