Love and Loss

Last night, I had a horrible scare with my husband. I took him to the ER with severe chest pains. They admitted him and ran all kinds of tests, and luckily he got to go home this afternoon...but the last 24 hours have been hell. I think I've gotten an hour of sleep. Tomorrow he goes in for more testing. They're not sure what is going on. I'm trying to maintain a calm exterior, go through the motions, do all the adult things that need to be done. I am trying not to do worst-case-scenario trains of thought and instead, concentrate on one hour at a time, staying on task, making sure bases are covered, i's are dotted and t's are crossed.

This is a scenario that many of us have had to go through, but I wonder sometimes if adoptees have an extra layer of difficulty because of the constant fear of loss that is within us. In a way, it seems like we should be experts at loss - after all, it's a core part of our beings. I realized today that I'm really, truly terrified of being alone. I almost lost my aparents to simultaneous heart attacks 17 years ago (yes, you read that right - 2 parents in the CCU at the same time). That was really scary and sad and overwhelming and indescribable and...but lemme tell you. The thought of having something awful happen to my husband is something else again. This man has been the core of my existence for the last 11 years - longer if you count all the times we dated and broke up in the 9 years prior to that. He is my lover, my best friend, my rock, my companion. We've had our ups and downs like every other married couple, sure. But in a sense, he's also been a father figure to me. He met me when I was 18 and he literally helped me finish growing up. He was there for me in all the ways my aparents weren't capable of (trust me, there is a long story there). He's been faithful as a puppy dog over all these years. I realized today that I always just assumed he'd be there, that I would be the one to die first. It wasn't really a conscious assumption...I just can't imagine a world without him.

I'm really rambling tonight. I'm still really scared.

My fuzzy rat mother has been wonderful through this. Whatever drama we have been dealing with in our relationship is kind of an aside at the moment. I'm starting to learn that she is just there, unconditionally, no matter how shitty things get. I love her very much. I'm learning to trust very slowly, I think.

I promise I'll type more coherent posts later. I'm just feeling like a little girl sucking her thumb at the moment...very childlike. I guess I just had to let off some steam here.

Whoever you are...thanks for listening.