The fuzzy rat's beloved kitty cat, Freija Ann, was tragically run over by a car this weekend. She was honestly the most beautiful cat I had ever seen. This was the "fur sister" that I swear helped me through all of my exams and auditions over the past three years by sacrificing rodents and other small animals (sniff) on my behalf. She was a tough outdoor cat, yet the most sleek, graceful animal you can imagine. I only got to meet her a few times, but I really will miss her. I'm really animal-sensitive as is my mother. I know many of you out there get it with the animal thing. Animals are family. Freija will be missed and remembered fondly.
On another note, adoption sucks.
I just can't say anything more about it tonight. It just sucks.
It has slayed me.
Tonight, I hurt to the very core of my being, and I feel like no one understands.
Yet I know that I have to pick myself up, dust myself off, and walk on alone like I always have.
It's what I do.
I was born to be alone. I don't "belong" to anyone. Never have, never will.
No one gets it.
No one understands.
I am alone.
I have nothing intelligent to say. Hell, I rarely have anything intelligent to say.
I'm screwed up. I hurt. I am alone.
At least that's how I feel tonight.
Mother and daughter separated by closed adoption, reunited since 2005, working our way out of the fog and into reality.
fuzzy duck
daughter
fuzzy rat
mother
About Us
Blogs We Read! (this list will be growing...fast)
- Adoptee Journal
- Adopting My Identity
- Amy Adoptee
- Bastard in a Handbasket
- BB Church's Funhouse
- Champagne and Tears
- Infant Atwell
- It Came from the Cabbage Patch
- Joy's Division
- Joy's Mom
- Kim Kim
- Life and my boys
- Lizard Chronicles
- Musings of the Lame
- My Mouth is my Palace
- Possum's Place
- The Chronicles of Munchkinland
- The Daily Bastardette
- The Scoop
- Ungrateful Little Bastard
- Without A Tribe
- You Never "Get Over It"
20 comments:
Sorry to hear about Freija Ann, Duck. I understand what it is like to lose a beloved animal.
You are not alone, Duck.......
Not now anyway, you have your Fuzzy Rat in your life. Adoption is what it is, and part of it is what I call the "adoption uglies" and it seems to have reared it's head to you. I hope, and wish you peace tonight and in the coming days. It's hard, I know.
Take care, listen to some music, make some music, do one thing, whatever it may be, a bowl of ice-cream, a good movie, or as I sometimes do, when it get overwhelming, I lay my head down and sleep. Thinking of you, hoping for some sunshine to touch your beautiful soul.
All my best, Shelley (K's mom).
I'm a cat person and can relate. I have 4 now and they are outside every day. I have had to harden myself to the fact that cats get run over or just disappear. It hurts. I am so sad for you.
I can not comment on feeling alone it doesn't seem appropriate since I am not adopted. I have however watched other families and wondered why mine is so different. Mostly toward me. I have decided that being alone is better than being in a bad relationship even if it is with family. I wish you luck as you struggle with your feelings.
yeah, adoption sucks.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
i totally get the loss of a cat. i had a lovely vacation, but i missed my 3 girls fiercely. i hate that i have to keep them locked up in my apartment, but i am grateful to have them all safely indoors. my heart goes out for the fuzzy rat.
and i get what it feels like to feel alone on this earth. i do. adoption sucks. today i am convinced-- once that bond is broken, no matter how hard we try to repair it, it can never be whole again.
it sounds like you have some major healing to do right now. i'm sorry you are hurting, my dear.
and even if you are alone, you are not without support. we are here to walk alongside you.
Fuzzy Rat Mum, I'm sorry about the loss of your four-legged family member. It's even more traumatic a loss because she died suddenly; we've lost two of our furry family members that way and it's just heart wrenching.
Fuzzy Duck, since this is your blog I won't comment about adoption "sucking," even though I have a different perspective, along with many in my family. Not everyone shares your sentiments, but obviously many do.
What I did want to share to lend a balance, without taking away at all from your feelings as an adopted person (I hope you can take me at my word on that), is something from Carl Jung. I just love Jung's way of thinking and living (more or less). In 1950, he erected a monument to the home he built in Bollingen, on a lake, and where he lived for many years and did some of his most creative work. This monument had four sides, and each side had a different symbol or inscription on it.
One one side was a Latin verse; on the next, the image of a small eye and a pupilla (the image you see of yourself in another person's pupil); on the next, a Greek inscription from Heraclitus and Homer.
On the last side he inscribed is one of my favorite Jung quotes, and it says, "I am an orphan, alone; nevertheless, I am found everywhere. I am one, but opposed to myself. I am youth and old man at one and the same time. I have known neither father nor mother, because I have had to be fetched out of the deep like a fish, or fell like a white stone from heaven. In woods and mountains I roam, but I am hidden in the innermost soul of man. I am mortal for everyone, yet I am not touched by the cycle of aeons."
There's a part of every person, adopted, abandoned, or otherwise orphaned or not, that has that aloneness. While others may witness and participate in our births and deaths, we come through birth alone and we die alone in some sense. Nobody holds our hand as we go through the birth canal or through the "valley of death."
I hope you'll reconsider how alone you are. I have a lot of thoughts on your aloneness since reading this blog awhile; I think you are incredibly loved and wanted by your mother, and I suspect a lot about your adoptive experience that's not really my business to comment on here. I just wish you wholeness and fullness of being, and I hope you continue to try to open wide your heart so that love can fill it. I truly believe this is possible for everyone and I've seen more orphans made whole than I can count. I believe it's possible for you too. With much fondness, Eve
RIP Freija Ann. I'm an animal lover too so I can relate to how pets are family. My stepcat died yesterday (at 17) and although he didn't live with us he was a cherished part of my partner's life. So we're all grieving for beloved pets today.
Duck, the more I see and hear from non-adoptees the more it's clear that unless one has known the deep, soul-shattering loss of one's own mother in childhood, s/he cannot know the aloneness you describe. And power to them, no one should have to know the mind f*ck of that loss when it's avoidable. At times it's a constant presence, almost too much to bear. Other times it's easier to push aside, though it's always with us.
Eve, I appreciate that you're trying to counter some of Duck's heavy feelings by presenting a different view -- the view of a non-adoptee. I respect your experience and don't wish to negate it. In that spirit, I'd like to tell you that this orphan doesn't share your view of adoption, not at all.
For years I trudged through the fog, acting every bit the grateful adoptee while living with the ugly truth of abandonment. Adoption did not make me whole. In fact, it made the wound bigger and deeper. Adoption is just as awful for orphans as for others. No one needs to be adopted. No one. At most, a guardianship may be appropriate if a child needs permanent care. But adoption mostly serves the desires of adults, not the needs of children. Hardly a system worth recommending, even if some do manage to work out.
Hang in there, Duck. And Rat.
And Jane! I'm so sorry for your current struggle. I understand that feeling of recognizing loss before it even happens. It's like we're primed for it. Stay strong and remember what a warrior you have been and still are.
Peace.
This is a comment that I hope Eve reads. Unfortunately I do not have a Google/ Blogger account so this will come up as being from anonymous, but you can call me Eri. Your comment "There's a part of every person, adopted, abandoned, or otherwise orphaned or not, that has that aloneness" is probably true but I think it's important for you to realise that no-one but adoptees can understand what it feels like to be adopted. We may all enter and leave this life alone but only adoptees know how it feels to enter this world and not be nurtured by our own mothers. Only adoptees know the pain of being a newborn and lying alone in a hospital for four weeks and never being cuddled by our mothers. And only adoptees go through their whole lives carrying that pain in their hearts whether they have the most wonderful adoptive family n the world or not.
I'm sorry to hear about Fuzzy Rat's cat.
And yes adoption definitely does suck. I think it is best to discount the opinions of those who have benefited from adoption. I mean slave masters benefited from slavery no?
Sending hugs xoxoxo
Duck and Rat, I am sorry about Freija Ann. I have two kitties in the house and (used to) have 7 outside, a bunch of barn mutts, but we live along a highway and, well, I probably don't need to say more. For 34 years that highway has claimed my beloved pets.
Eve, to you, I'd just like to say, take your Jung and shove it up your ass. Would you want YOUR mother to give you away?
Somehow, I don't think being an adoptee is the path YOU'D choose in life for yourself.
Get over yourself and STFU.
Adoption does suck!
JoyA41076
Adoption does suck!!!!
JoyA41076
I'm sorry, Duck :( I hope you're recovering after the loss of Freija Ann.
As for adoption..... another vote for "it sucks".
Dear Eve-
Bite me.
Sincerely,
Someone who gets it.
Eve,
thank you for the wonderful post. It's refreshing to hear your voice.
Lillie, why in the world would you abandon your beloved pets and subject them to the suffering of a highway death??? The highway didn't claim them. Highways are for cars, not cats. Shame on you.
Marie
Sorry about little Freija Ann honey. Lotsa hugs xx
Marie I believe you completely missed the point of what Lillie was saying. But if you feel it's so shameful for someone to abandon an animal, then you can only imagine how a child feels when they're abandoned by their mother... or maybe you can't. Shame on you.
Good point, Angel!
Marie wrote: "Highways are for cars, not cats."
Seems you should be telling that to the cats...while you're at at why not educate the squirrel the moose and the deer..
"Highways are for cars, not cats."
This is a lesson that I am having to teach my daughters when it comes to our cats and dogs. You can't control what an animal does.
I have several barn cats as well. We lose ours not to the highway but to barn owls, coyotes and bobcats. Its a fact of life. These animals have freedom of choice just as I do. Cats can make stupid costly mistakes. You can't stop them. So am I a bad pet owner because I give my outdoor pets that freedom? We need those cats to keep the snake and rat population down. I don't think so. Calling someone a horrible person because they have barn cats who venture out to the highway a cruel person is uncalled for. She didn't dump them but they ventured out there.
ROTFL Marie that was about the lamest attempt I have seen yet, but you are the abandoner here, I believe that is you and your choice to leave your own flesh and blood in the hands of strangers.
Pathetic.
But hey if letting my cats get hit by cars is the worst I have done, at least I can feel secure in knowing they are no longer suffering, unlike you, who just handed her own offspring off to someone else and doesn't give a rat's ass about the aftermath.
You are a real piece of work.
Lillie said it all.
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