As always when Fuzzy Duck and I are together things happen, sometimes good sometimes not so good but always things that lead one or both of us to a better understanding. Las Vegas was no exception. For the first time I actually let down my defenses and let all the emotions out. When we were talking today she was asking me about it. She sees this as totally out of character for me and doesn't seem to think of it as a real permanant state for me. Since I was having trouble articulating she suggested I blog. As usual, she is right. Writing makes me stop and think before I put something down and keeps me out of mental loops and facile answers so I will give it a try.
Fuzzy Duck is right when she says that I behaved differntly (and still am by the way). I can see why she raises her cute little eyebrow in great scepticism. As an aside, she has a cute little eyebrow thanks to skill with wax not great genes. She inhereted the uni-brow from me. Sorry about that Duck. So, back to the subject at hand. The fact is that I am behaving more like myself than I have for the last 38 years. I even find myself gratuitously hugging my mother. Before Fuzzy Duck (BFD), OK I couldn't resist that one, I was very open, affectinate, and senstive. Post Fuzzy Duck (PFD) I became very reserved and very distrusting of emotions. I could introduce you to a lot of co-workers who would describe me a a cold bitch, my friends would just call me reserved. I got through 35 years by denying emotion. I wasn't cold or unfeeling just careful to keep emotions in check. It was the only way I could get through it. If I ever let my emotions loose I don't know what would have happened. It is hard to describe but it was a knowledge that if I ever allowed emotions to surface that I would just start screaming and crying and loose all control so I kept a very tight control. It gets easier with practice. I learned to lock away a part of myself. It was always there and the emotions would come out at weird times but I learned control. Perhaps I should have entered a convent. I would have been good at it. All empathy and no sympathy worked for me. She asked me if this change came all of a sudden. The answer is no. Over the last 3 years I have been gradually dropping little pieces of the control when I am with her until I realized that the control was not needed. I think that what finally happened was when I saw her this time I just felt safe with her. I didn't need to control my emotions, there was no longer a purpose for it. Its not that I think that there will be no more difficult times between us. Of course there will. We have both been horribly hurt by the reliquishment and carry around all sorts of ugly baggage. I don't need this baggage anymore. I am safe with her. I imagine I am capable of back-sliding a bit if my feelings get hurt but it will be a tempoaray state. No one and nothing can take her away from me again. She chose to love me and let me be a part of her life. I am a very fortunate woman.
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"but always things that lead one or both of us to a better understanding."
I find I'm still unbuilding the structure of defense. I go along thinking I'm doing quite well and then find myself tripping over some of my protection. I finally answered a question Joy's been asking for about 5 years. I'd given all kinds of auxiliary answers, around the core issue of my feelings being hurt. I put that hurt and mistrust between her and me because I was too anxious about scaring her away. I was afraid to admit my vulnerability.
Now I know we both will get up again, regardless of what brings us down.
It's good to share it with others too.
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